ok. last week, i lied. this has by far, unequivocaly, been the weirdest night i've had in korea. the story i am about to tell you could possibly be fodder for some bizarre, yet overly played out, david letterman top 10 countdown:
it all started out when mitch, cindy, and i were leaving the park near the 711 at approximately 11 am. we were leaving because cindy had to catch the last bus back to ilsan (or where ever she is from), and mitch, being the stand up guy that he is, did the gentlemanly thing and decided to walk her to the bus stop. i on the other hand could care less, because i was distracted by two korean men who where shouting for us to come over. and, much like a summer time bug who is drawn to the warm and familiar glow of a bright light, i too was drawn to the warm and familiar glow of a bottle of soju that the two korean men were holding up as they made drastic and volatile movements with their bodies and hands in an effort to gain our attention.
so, i greeted the two men and sat down at their outside table....four bottles of soju and two tall boys later i was a little drunk to say the least. oh yes, did i forget to mention, that neither of these men spoke any english? this only added to the plethora of exchanged hand signals and the over spoken, "what?" now, before i continue, i must inform you of how touchy korean men can be. at night you will consistently find men holding hands or hanging onto each other for dear life as they attempt to navigate the disorienting streets of geumchon in a drunken haze. now, with this in mind, i was not really prepared for what was about to happen next.
my new korean friend's hand "accidently" slipped onto my leg...where it rested for a solid 2 minuets....before again, "accidently" slipping onto my inner thigh. now, i know korean men can be somewhat overly friendly and being the respectful person that i am, i attempted to engage in their culture and not be a homophobe. however, my limits were tested soon after as my new 'aquaintance' began to kiss the back of my hand. i assumed that this was normal behavior for korean men and chocked my discomfort up to a cultural misunderstanding; although, things as you can imagine, only began to become progressively worse. my handsy friend then proceeded to kiss my neck (it was a rather wet kiss, and i had to wipe off his excessive drool) as he told me that we were family. BUT WAIT! the borage of man love was far from over. he then began to kiss me on the cheek and twelve kisses later i had finally had enough. korean culture or not, i was leaving.
at this point i was feeling extremely uncomfortable and devised a plan to exit stage right. i casually told the two men at the table, and the old toothless man who had joined us, that i had to use the toilet (i must admit that i had no plans of returning). however, i was only able to take 3 steps before my "bro-rapist" began to follow me to the toilet. so....i devised a plan on the fly to avoid any messy bathroom situations.
hand in hand, we entered an arcade styled place and played a friendly game of hoops and airsoft target practice. i was actually having fun for a moment until an older korean man walked in. soon after the older gentleman and my friend began to argue violently in korean (keep in mind i don't speak korean and had absolutely no clue as to what was going on). the old woman who ran the shop threw us all onto the street and a somewhat large crowd began to emerge. the two overly pumped testosterone driven men entered into a fist fight, which resembled something you'd see on the discovery channel. you know, the sort of thing where two male dears are butting heads over the ovulating female? any who, it was at this point that i began to freak out somewhat. i ran back to the outdoor table, grabbed the other guy, and brought him over. the fight was soon broken up and the contenders were placed in their respective corners. however, the older machismo of a gentle was still itching for a little more. he came over to my corner which included the two korean men i had just met that night. he shook my hand, told me that he "was sorry" and began to fight the same guy again. it was at this point i just said fuck it and went home. no matter what, korean jail is not worth it.
the next day i told my coworkers what i have just told you thus far. but remember how i told you that i just up and left? well, as it turns out, you can't really just up and leave without paying your bill. i asked one of the teachers to come with me to the restaurant after work to see if i owed any money. once we arrived at said place after work i was informed that i didn't owe any money and that my new friends had payed for everything. however, i was still curious as to why the fight had taken place. i asked if we could go the the arcade-styled building down the street to get the scoop. and once we got to the arcade, boy oh boy, was i given a hefty scoop. it basically turns out that the fight took place because i had two gay korean guys fighting over me. my teacher then warned me of how in america it is easy to spot a gay because "they are very much into the fashion... [but] here in korea it is hard to tell because all the men look gay" (true quote). never in my life would i have imagined myself in such a scenario. but hey, what can i say? at least i got free drinks out of it.
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